Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
