Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
