I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
