We're like a lot better than the average bears
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
