remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize