He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize