Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
