Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He passed out mid-signature
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
