They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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