I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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