He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
