I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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