Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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