I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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