Since when is my name a synonym for head?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
