My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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