I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
