happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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