when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
