Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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