I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize