i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
