i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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