I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
