So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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