Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
