i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
