well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
this beer tastes like vomit already
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
