So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
