I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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