census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
