I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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