Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
