Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
