we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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