Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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