I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize