oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
