Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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