it's like iHOP with fire
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
