If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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