Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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