I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
