I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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