he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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