alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
