I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
