I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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