yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
