she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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