there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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