I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
