that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
