i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
