i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
